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Posted By:helnick on: 4/4/2006 9:15:58 PM

Author: Thread: s*it happens.............
Posts: 61

s*it happens.............
Posted: Tuesday, April 04, 2006 9:15:58 PM

Sorry its a long one but it just has to be.

My new hair salon had only been open for 2 months and it still smelled of fresh paint, maybe that’s why I was feeling like I was on a cloud? Anyway it was about 2:30 pm and an old gentleman had entered my shop. From where I was standing I could see he had a stream of blood between his eyes and his khaki pants had a wet blood stain on his knee. When I asked him what was wrong he politely stated he had fallen outside and could he use my restroom to clean up. He looked like an OK guy with his polo outfit on so I thought since he didn't look homeless (not that there are many homeless in Newtown Square) I had no problem letting him use my restroom. 

He started out about 15 feet in front of me and as he started walking towards me 2 of my employees where wide eyed behind him. He was walking fairly slow but that’s how senior citizens walk so still I'm not alarmed. I was thinking” why are they making crazy eyes at me" but at the time I disregarded the thought. Now he is about 5 ft from me and I notice he is holding what looks to me his back, and I remember thinking "oh poor old guy, he probably broke a hip". Now as he is walking directly next to me I finally see what everyone behind him has notices for a while. HE WAS HOLDING THE SEAT OF HIS PANTS IN HIS HAND!

Now start the slow motion.
As this old fart was passing me he dropped a land mine about the size of a soft ball from the bottom of his pant leg. It wasn’t a nice solid one either it was light brown and mushy but not too mushy, hard to explain. Either way there was POOP on my brand new floor.
At this point he had stopped, turned his head back to look at the poop and kept walking back the bathroom. Now let me take a minute to inform you that I feel I am a fairly collected person. I am not too easily excited about anything.
I was stunned. My jaw really did drop. Now take a minute and let me ask, what would you do? Seriously I want to hear what you would do in this situation.

I'll tell you what I did. Right after that bathroom door shut and after noticing 2 or 3 more piles of the brown fun trail in my shop. I put my arms up to the side and said nice and loud for all to hear” what the f***?" I think I jumped side to side for a bit because my brain couldn't process this information fast enough.
I distinctly remember myself asking out loud "am I on TV?" and running to the window to look for Ashton Kutcher, no kidding. Oh, by the way did I mention I had 3 clients in my salon at the time all with color processing on them so they were in for the long haul with me.

Everyone is now looking at me like I know what to do when somebody shits on the floor and God know what else he is doing in the bathroom (Oh god my new bathroom) I walk back the restroom careful not to step in any of the poop but noticing along with the 3 big piles there are actually a few tiny dots of poo as well, Great I know, I politely knock on the door and ask the elderly man if he would like me to call an ambulance. Of course he says no he is OK and I am standing there now starting to smell all this mess so I quick run back prop open the back door and instruct everyone to open the front door and light as many candles as they could find.
 So I call the ambulance anyway and when they show up with police in tow the guy still is in my restroom. The cop and EMT are both laughing under their breath and all the girls in the shop are feeling bad because the guy is old and I couldn't help myself I blurted out Get that old guy and his poop out, NOW. I understand I wasn’t being the most sensitive person but I had just spent the whole God damn summer plus some building my pride and joy and now I was going to have to burn it down, seeing as I sure as hell aint picking up old man poop.

section 2 next post its too long for one post